Oh hi, winter.

My friend and I were very much looking forward to going on our long hike this morning, except we woke up to rain/snow showers. Although it looks nice glistening off the trees, hypothermia was not on our list of things to accomplish for the day. So we did the next best thing: shopping & lunch. We haven’t seen each other in a long while, so it was very nice to catch up, just like old times. I got some supplies for some projects I’m working on. Expect a pretty big announcement soon, I’m so excited for it. Hopefully it will be sometime this week. I’m not sure what’s up with me, but I am so ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I mean I’m really feeling festive as in wanting to burn Christmas cds and wrap myself up in a Frosty blanket while watching The Grinch. Since I can’t drink, instead of going out for Halloween, my best friend and I are going to put up her Christmas tree, cook dinner, and watch Christmas movies. Good times. So I shall leave you with a few pics and let you know that as of today I have lost 19lbs. Not bad for just a few weeks of eating healthy 😉

Mind over pizza. Not!

Today was the great pizza “experiment.” The homemade mini pizzas and pizza sandwiches were just not satisfying my cravings for real pizza shop pizza, and I gave in. I had three slices of cheese pizza and some mountain dew. It sounds awful and my mom told me she was ‘disappointed’ but you know what? You can’t give up everything you enjoy. And really? I balanced my calories so that I COULD have that pizza y’know? I didn’t eat two full meals and then a bunch of pizza. I had very light meals of fruit earlier in the day, so I have no guilt, and boy that feels good! I also got some Xenadrine. I took it before and it worked good. I know that it’s not a miracle thing though and you still have to have a healthy diet and exercise. Thursday one of my best friends that I haven’t seen in so long is coming over and we’re going to the local park to hike some trails. Last time I went hiking, I hurt myself, so I’m a little nervous. There is a trail that winds partly through said park, and it is 40 miles long. It is one of my biggest goals to get healthy/in shape enough to take a few days and hike the whole trail. And document it with lots of photos of course. My mom promised me when I get down to my goal weight (size 12) that she’ll buy me a new wardrobe. I bought myself a goal outfit to help motivate me now though which includes a pair of fabulous jeans from Abercrombie. It probably sounds stupid, but I know it’ll help. I also decided on a little reward for myself for when I reach my goal- I think it’s appropriate 😉

Weird.

I am 15lbs down. How exciting is that? Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that I bought “a little too tight” that fit perfectly now. It’s a little weird though too. Since I was in the hospital something just snapped and I’m doing really well with everything. I just wish I knew what changed. I’ve tried so many times before to lose weight and could never go more than a week. I have the eating thing completely down. The treadmill thing? Is still killing me. Yesterday I did 15 minutes and I’m pretty sure my mom thought I was having a heart attack at the end. I’ll keep sticking with it though because I want it so bad. Today my momma bought me new workout shoes, and I had to return the boots I got because they were hurting my ankles, so I ended up with a pair of Skechers for going out. The other day we also went out to Black Moshannon to take some photos so that is what I shall leave you with:

I hate the weekend.

Yes, I’m weird. Who hates the weekend? Me. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because it’s a time for most people to relax at home instead of working? I can’t relax, so I’m a bit jealous.

Today I went out to look for a winter coat. I’m kind of in between sizes, so I anticipated a frustrating time. I found some cute ones online at Fashion Bug, but it was still closed at 9am, so I went to Walmart & browsed. I wanted a coat with a fake fur hood, but I found this instead. It’s soft and really, really warm inside. I swear it looks cuter than the pic.

Since I had such good luck with the coat, I decided to take a chance and look for shoes. Whoever said that they love shoe shopping because they always fit? Was a bit fat liar. I have chubby feet and need wide shoes. For some reason I went into Peebles to look, and I found the most amazing boots. They didn’t have my size, so I went up one higher and they fit. THEY FIT. Not even wide. Oh happy day! Also much cuter than in the photo.

I’m almost out of my MAC make up, and I wanted to try something cheaper since the Mineral Satin Finish runs $30. Everyone seems to be into the mineral make up so I decided to give it a try. I got the mineral powder foundation and the illuminator. They were buy one get one 1/2 off so what the heck. I shall let you know if it works. I may or may not have also bought a sparkley red nail polish and very pink lipstick. Because… apparently I love to buy things.

I also got some healthy groceries today. Don’t laugh, but I’ve been eating lunchables because they’re so quick. Plus, I will not eat anything anymore without knowing the calorie count. I refuse! I got some Lean Cuisine meals, peaches, plums, watermelon, mixed melon chunks, honeydews, salad, and oreo ice cream cookies. They’re only 170 calories, so they will be a nice treat. I also grabbed a bottle of juice.. Naked brand. It’s called Green Machine. I’ve been reading so many blogs where people are drinking them, so I had to see for myself if they’re any good. It is. Brocoli, spinach, algae included and still yummy. I also ordered myself some treats since everyone else seems to be enjoying them:

I need to blog more. Maybe I should start doing food posts?

A good week.

Things are going really well since I’ve been home. My mom has been so extremely supportive now that she understands my illness, and our relationship is better than ever. I wish I could say that my whole family is supportive, but alas there are some jealous, bitter people who would rather me be sent away. I’m not angry though, I just feel bad for them. Oh, and you probably knew this was coming with everything going on, but my mom and I sat down and talked about school and I’ve decided to withdrawal from school for the time being and work on getting better. Being on a three meal a day pattern in the hospital jump started my diet. I’ve lost 8lbs in the past 8 days and am still continuing to eat well, so I’m hoping it keeps coming off. I think the Prozac and Geodon may be helping with that. My momma got me a treadmill today, so that will help tremendously. On our adventure today my momma also got me three shirts from Old Navy for only $12 and a new skirt from Target and new sweater from Lane Bryant at Goodwill for $7. I shall leave you with the comforter set I bought at Target this week- it was $60 on clearance for $18. Yay for good deals this week!

I’m back.

Just dropping in to say that I’m back. Sunday night I was feeling physically ill so my sis-in-law took me to the ER to get treated and then they sent me inpatient. It was a week filled with crying outbursts, meeting great new people, great groups, sleeping, horrible roommates, and laughing hard- something I haven’t done in a while. I guess you could call it a much needed “vacation.” Although I think they sent me home a bit too soon (three different people gave me three different reasons for discharge), I got my meds changed and am functioning again. FYI, I am now on Lithium, Lamictal, Geodon, Prozac, and Melatonin to sleep.

I did learn that I can stay awake for 2.5 days. Trust me, not by choice. Bless the nurse who stood by my bed and held my hand while I cried about it.

Anyway, when I thought all was well and this was a fresh new start, one of the social worker’s had a meeting with my mother today. Now this isn’t something I’d normally share because it makes me sound crazy. Really whacked out. And I’m not. I am intelligent and friendly and a million other good things which is probably why I get to upset over this illness. BUT, maybe it will help somebody out there? Fat chance, yeah I get it. Anyway, this news is the third worst thing that could happen. Right past someone I love dying or me dying… if I end up in the hospital one more time, they’re going to send me away to a state hospital.

Really? REALLY? I feel like my life is so up in the air right now, and I can lose it any time now.. kinda like a big gamble. Except it’s a 23 year old gamble and I’m finally trying to get my life back on track, so for a minute I feel like I fell down a big well and right down past where I was last week. Instead of crying though, and falling apart, I sucked it up and realized it’s now or never. I have to take control or really, I’m going to lose control of my life for a long time.

PS I swear my life is going to be a book someday. Oh yes, I’m taking notes.

Leaving for the hospital.

I am finally giving in. I cannot go a whole month until I see my Psychiatrist feeling like this. Last night I didn’t sleep again, and it’s making me crazy. This afternoon I started bawling for no reason and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t breathe, and I kept thinking I was going to die today. Not right in the moment, like my normal panic attacks, but just that I might in my manic mood do something stupid I guess? It was one of my scariest moments ever, and I wouldn’t tell my mom because I was so determined in my mind that she was going to send me away. I’m starting to get depressed too. A bit ago I went to hang out with my mom and baby niece, and I started crying again and couldn’t stop. My mom didn’t even need to say anything- we’ve been through this too many times. She always comforts me and tells me that we’ll do whatever I want, but I know what I have to do whether I want to or not. The last time I was in the hospital I had a really, really bad experience, and I have been TERRIFIED to go back again. It sounds so cheesy being 23, but I freak out when I have to leave my mom to go in the hospital.. you know she is the reason that I made it through the past year. I will cry a lot and keep to myself and be ridiculously scared. Aside from my mom, I have two people I consider really great friends that I have met recently, who have helped me with this choice and will support me and even come visit me. I know that this horrible time will pass with some help, and I feel very blessed to have so many amazing supportive people in my life. Maybe the 5th time will be a charm? I’ll try to stay hopeful. Hope to be back with you all again soon.

Love,
Jess

My pity party? Ends here.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you have imagined.”

So today is the day I stop feeling sorry for myself. Too many times recently I catch myself thinking about my past, how much I regret it, how I feel like I’ve failed my family and myself, yet I cry and then it’s over. I never take action, and I can’t expect things to change on their own! I’ve made a list of things to help me out. Maybe it will inspire somebody else to get started on or change something in his/her life. And major points if you stick around to help me, support me, and of course yell at me to get my ass on the treadmill. It will be much needed (and appreciated).

1. NO SODA. I don’t care. No excuses. It is just not acceptable. If my mom brings home soda from the store, I’ll ask her to put it away where I can’t get to it. I drink a LOT of soda, usually Mountain Dew. I go to Sheetz and get the big 32 ounce cups almost daily. And will then grab a 24 ounce bottle and refill the cup. Really? Did I just admit that? Hi, I’m Jess and I’m a caffeine-aholic.

2. HEALTHY FOODS. Notice I didn’t say healthier, because the things I eat can’t be healthy at all. I’m not too bad during the days with food, but I am an emotional eater, and nights are my time to binge. When I say nights, I mean I will inhale pizza rolls, muffins, mini cheeseburgers, ice cream, and basically whatever else I can grab, at 2-3am. I need to work on this issue, but I can at least switch to healthier foods like salad, turkey/cheese wraps, fruit, granola, baked chicken.

3. WORKOUT DAILY. I can’t remember the last time I worked out. Oh, yes I can! This past April I had been walking for a few weeks, the longest workout routine I ever had, and decided to step it up and go hiking the trails at the local state park in my awesome new sneakers. Everything was great until I started the 2 mile trek back to my car and was in tremendous pain the whole time. I had sprained my foot and I’ve been afraid to walk ever since. I am going to start walking again, taking it easy this time, and maybe add in ‘The Wedding Workout’ too. I’m hopefully going to be getting a treadmill soon, which I think will be easier for me, especially with the cold months coming up.

4. WORK HARDER. This applies to school. I’ve all but given up since I failed my first test and just barely passed my second one. Online classes are not easy peasy like I originally thought. I would gladly trade three paragraph weekly discussions for sitting tiredly through a 1 1/2 hour class twice a week. I think I’ve mentioned that my main goal is to major in Health Science and become a Physician Asssistant in Psychiatry. Except that I haven’t even got any financial aid yet, and will highly unlikely be able to work through three more semesters at this campus, let alone be able to afford to go away to main campus to finish my major. It’s really stressful and discouraging, and I guess that it’s affecting my work, because I just feel like giving up. I’ve done it too many times though, and I refuse to keep going through the same pattern. I have to finish this! I need to prove to myself that I am stronger and smarter than I give myself credit for. If I work hard enough, things will start working out. I just have to remember this! Of course any help for online classes would be appreciated too.

5. PHOTOGRAPHY. I haven’t taken pictures since around April. Today I had the urge to go to the state park and take photos. It was rainy, but I thought that might help. Alas, it didn’t do anything too helpful, but I did get stuck in the sand and covered in jaggers. Oh, what we do for art. Anyway, it felt so good to get a few pictures that I was really proud of. I think this is something that may help keep me busy and out of the depression phase. And, well, it’s just fun.

6. ATTEND CHURCH. This may be the most important thing on my list. To be honest, I used to feel uncomfortable when I would go to church with my friends. They’re Catholics and would tell me I was going to hell for not being baptized and such. Good times. Anyway, I’ve spent a lot, a LOT of time thinking about religion. I know I believe in God, but from there on out, I’m clueless. What religion do I want to be a part of? How do I choose? Will I look stupid and understand things if I go to church alone? And of course, we all know how I sleep my days away and can’t get out of bed until 2-3pm. Getting up at 8am? Unquestionable! But this is so important to me, I’m willing to let my mother dump a bucket of freezing cold water on me. I will continue researching and trying to find a religion/church, but can anyone please help me out and give opinions/suggestions? Very, very much appreciated.

And if you got through the longest post ever, big hugs for you- you’re awesome!!

A Happy Post. Gasp!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happy, and because I’m materialistic (hey, at least I admit it) things I’d love to have. I have compiled a list because I’m 1) that bored and 2) because I know I’m so exciting and you just HAVE to see! Yeah, right.

Fall! I love the chilly air, football season, the holidays, the decorations and colors.. it just makes me happy.

Puzzles! I’m not good at them & my mom usually finishes them, but they’re still fun.

Glee! It’s just different and “out there.” And really? Single Ladies. ‘Nuff said!

Scary movies! I won’t sleep for days but I can’t stop watching. Faves are H2 & Scream at the moment.

My niece, Memphis. Whenever I’m feeling down, my mom brings her to me and I ALWAYS cheer right up.

Things I want:

I figured if I get this/Wii Fit I’ll be motivated to workout! I think this would be more fun than a treadmill.

Yeah, sometimes I’m a brand whore. It’s so fall-ish & it would be better to carry around instead of a purse!

I have an ishuffle for working out, but I’d like to have one for everything else. And so many cool apps!

I’m addicted. I’ve never watched it on tv, but I bought season 1 and couldn’t stop watching. + hot guys!

So I’m a game whore. They have so many fun games out now. I highly recommend Professor Layton’s games.

And my favorite! I’m ordering these next week & then going to my eye doctor so he can put the lenses in. LOVE!

What things make you happy/do you wish for? I wanna hear!

Starting over again..

Today I went to see the Psychiatrist. Well, technically she’s the PA, but I relate to her more anyway. I didn’t want to post before then because I’m pretty sure by the amount of incessant whining I do here, you have a good idea how I’ve been feeling. The thing is, I haven’t really been in much of a depression, crying spells aside. I’m more frustrated because of not being able to sleep and not feeling stable and it’s been getting to me. A lot. I have been going to bed at 7-8am, and it sucks. Today was the first time since I started going to therapy that my Psychologist was able to see me in manic mode. Lately it’s half and half- sometimes euphoric, sometimes dysphoric. See, nothing can be simple with me.

Anyway, I really wanted off the Seroquel. Not only is it causing more problems than it’s worth, my insurance was just taken away from me because I make more than $100 a month, so I can’t afford the $400 monthly prescription. Now, the exciting part is, there were only two options for us to try right now. 1) I could go back on Lithium. It’s super cheap. The problem is, you need frequent blood tests, and that brings us back to the insurance problem. 2) Samples! How great! The only little problem with this is that there are only a few medications they get more than enough samples of that would get me through. Seroquel and Geodon.

I’m not sure if Geodon is something they would have tried me on if it wasn’t for my situation, and that makes me extremely nervous. The thing is though, I don’t have a choice. I’m thinking it’s going to get much worse before it gets better. I know it’s been a long while since we’ve experimented with switching up medications, but I remember how bad it can get.

Mental issues aside, school is getting better. I failed my first test, and realized that I’m going to have to keep working harder. And harder. I still currently still have all A’s & B’s so I think that’s pretty good. Phlebotomy is going well also. Monday night we started practicing on each other. Since I missed Thursday, the instructors spent a good amount of time helping me practice on the arms. Doesn’t it seem like when you get blood drawn, it goes pretty quickly? Well there are so many steps to remember. It’s crazy! I know most of us thought that if you see a vein, you’re good to go. Feeling for veins stresses me out because you can’t always see them, and then you have to step away to get supplies, and remember the exact spot to poke without recontaminating the area. BUT, I got blood on my first try! I was doing good until I put the tube in- it’s a bit hard to keep the needle still, so I pushed it in a little too deep, but once I pulled out a bit, the blood started flowing. Yay!

Anyway, time to go study for my test tomororw. I got two hours asleep today, and I’m not even close to being tired, so I’m not counting on sleep anytime soon.